what helped me

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weed

I know some people would be like ooooh you didn't put God at the top  of the list, and while I didn't write this in any particular order, weed has helped me TREMENDOUSLY in the fight to maintain control of my mind. I started smoking somewhere in 2016 and I bullshit you not it was like a fucking miracle. I LEGIT thanked God when I got high because FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME EVER, I was able to think about painful things and not actually hurt. I had never in my life experienced anything like that and I couldn't believe it was even possible. It was relief. And in my world, relief was a magical thing that didn't actually exist. And for me, it was such a life saver, too. Whenever I got too overloaded with grief and got to a 10, weed has always been what I used to pull myself back from the edge. If you're stressed out all the time or depressed or hell, even pissed off all the time, get your life together, get you some good ol' ganja and LET, THAT, SHIT, GO. (Insert hand clap emojis) 

Yahweh

From being violated by men starting at a young age, from suffering from depression, to ending up in terribly abusive relationships as an adult, I could write a book about the things Yahweh has taught me and revealed to me throughout this journey of mine. People tell you to just pray and wait for God to change things for you. I say, it's some shit you just can't pray away and that's the way Yahweh intended it to be. Sometimes the situation won't change because you have to learn something about yourself, about life or about other people. I know I can't be the only one who has questioned what the meaning of life is. Check out my blog and my videos to see how I (barely) navigated this terrain called life. 

exercise

BOIIIIIIIIII let me tell you something. Look, I don't know how many of ya'll ever been fat before but at one point I was carrying a SOLID (actually squishy)  215lbs worth of depression on me. When I gained THAT much weight, I felt like, just UGH. I didn't want to look at myself in the mirror.  I kept eating and drinking more because I was stuck on that disgusting ass merry-go-round. You know, where you're all depressed, and then you drink alcohol or go HAM on that ice cream and then get sad and then do it all over again but maybe next time with them bbq wings? Right? You know what I'm talking about. I used to be like, "Damn, I can't believe I got THIS fat! Oh well, fuck it, lemme get that..."


BUT Baaaaaby when I FINALLY got the courage to commit. WHEN I FIIINALLY stepped my ass across that line to just START working on my health, when I FINALLY lost the weight, OH MY GOOOOOOSH! 


Look,  you wanna experience some spiritually enlightening shit? Get fat, be fat for YEARS, then just ONE day, push through and fucking work out and then COMMIT to it??  I could not believe that I did what I thought I could never do. I COULD NOT BELIEVE that I had actually climbed that mountain that I once looked at like it was impossible to climb. 


If you're all fat and depressed like I was, I PINKY promise you that if you just try. Simply try. Then keep trying some more and then one day, you WILL surprise yourself.  Check out my blog to see how I did it!

cbd

CBD. Aka Liquid Gold, aka  Genie In a Bottle, Aka I put that Sh*t on Errthang. If you have not enjoyed the medical benefits of Canabidiol (CBD), I'mma need you to get your life together and quickly. Not only am I nuts, but years of working in awkward positions on helicopters has my body all JACKED up and not being able to sleep because of the pain just added to the depression even more.  The stiffness and pain in my neck is what I use it for but believe you me, CBD has WIDE RANGE of health benefits and I am beyond grateful for it. I'm not a huge pill person and it replaces a lot of OTC medicine I used to buy for pain. Check out my Side Gigs to learn more about CBD, what it does, how it does it, and what it can do it for you. 

meditation

Once upon a time my doc told me that I didn't need to be ashamed of what I was experiencing and the things that I felt. She told me that because of the traumas,  my brain was wired wrong and it needed to be rewired in order to see certain situations in a different way.  And by wired wrong, I mean, I'd wake up in the middle of the night and see the silhouette of man standing by my doorway. And by wired wrong, I mean, I was I was seeing shit that wasn't there. I was terrified to go grocery shopping in a store, terrified to go out in public alone, terrified to leave my house at night. If I thought I heard a noise around my house, I would stay up ALL night, looking out the window and just listening. On guard. I know that sounds batshit crazy but wait till you hear the stories in my blog. It  was way worse than what I just said. In any case, and as you'd imagine, I was losing my shit. My brain was making all these terrifying assumptions and I was dying. Fear paralyzed me. I wasn't living. I had to learn, amongst other things,  how to reprogram my brain. Meditation has helped me tremendously as well. Something to look into if you find yourself in any situation where you feel like you've lost control of your mind or thoughts. So much more to say about this, take a look a my blog to learn more about different methods and apps that I use that have helped me. 

self evaluation

I keep saying such and such was a tremendous help but I CANNOT over emphasize the importance of self evaluation. I was ready to die. I spent so many years of my life balled up in pain and confusion and hopelessness. I kept going simply because I had to. In order to begin to break these chains I HAD to take a step back and look at myself and what I was doing wrong even though I'm beyond perfect and could never make a mistake. lol No but seriously, its bananas what you can learn when you just slow down and think. 


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my babies

I wrote this paper in grad school  about stress and its affects on the human body. Back then when I was doing my research it was indicated that the MOST stressful job was being active duty military and the second most stressful job being a caregiver. 

Crazy right? Someone who spends the majority of their time taking care of someone else was listed as the second most stressful job you can have. 


Now look, I LOVE my babies right, but I DID NOT ENJOY PARENTING THEM. I was in so much pain after I got divorced, and  to say I did the absolute bare minimum parenting is putting it lightly.


How the fuck do you handle all of your emotions and yet and still entertain, teach, or love on 3 small children who NEED your love and attention. 


I hated being around them. They would always irritate the living shit out of me with the talking and the whining and the talking over each other and it just caused so much more chaos in my mind that I rejected them a lot. I sent them to hang out downstairs or with each other and for YEARS they heard mommy say, "I promise I'm coming out of my room." After they had been begging me over and over just to come spend time with them and simply just leave my room.


Do you want to know what my babies did?


They loved me anyway. They forgave me every time I let them down. I was failing them fucking miserably and they just KEPT ON loving me anyway, man.


My little babies would tell me they forgave me every time I broke a promise. They would randomly tell me how much they love me and how amazing they thought I was. They would always tell me I was the best mother in the world. 


It was like something inside of them knew I needed that love. 


It was their cleanliness, their innocence, their raw unconditional love that helped me embrace being a mother again. Them loving on me gave me the love and energy I needed to EMBRACE the single parent  suck, and ENJOY being a mother again.


YOU HAVE to check out these hilarious, intelligent, vibration-lifting, tiny human beings. I promise you these stories on my blog will lift your spirits too. 


random people

I left the city I grew up and everyone I knew when I was 18 years old.  For the most part, I was almost always the only black person everywhere I worked. I have lived in about 5 different states in my lifetime. It's been so, so, lonely and painful. You don't get to be social when you have 3 kids and no support system in a city where you don't know anyone outside of coworkers you wouldn't trust to babysit your dog. 


I always felt like I was missing out on a lot of love because I moved away from home so early, but in all of my years living in so many different states around so many different cultures, it has been random people that have come out of nowhere to save the day for me and my children. It has always been random people that came into my life and loved me and my children like we were family. It was random people that saved my heart when I was hurting the most. 


I have SO many heartwarming and flipping HILARIOUS stories about the random people who have become apart of my heart and my family. 



music

This is another  category I could't not add.  In case you didn't know, music has the ability to alter your mood. Throughout this journey of mine, I had to learn how to replace things that were bad for me with things that were good for me. I have a list of the DOPEST songs that touched my spirit and kept me going when I had no one to talk to and I'm going to post a new song each week. Let me know how you vibe to any of the songs I post. They helped me a lot and hopefully they can help you too. 

"Birds sing after a storm, why shouldn't people feel free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them?"- Rose Kennedy